Recovery

How do your actions make you feel

If you’ve followed this blog so far you’ll hear me talk about many important things I’ve implemented into my life.

There’s no 1 change that I’ve made that has got me to nearly 2 years free from gambling.

It’s a combination of many things. No one step more important than the others.

Understanding how my actions made me feel is another important thing that’s helped me.

When it comes to my past with gambling I can remember how things made me feel, I touched on this briefly on What i have learn about having a gambling addiction

I use the negatives to help me stay gamble free.

I remember playing slots on William Hill and they have this bonus only available on certain slots.

I would play these slots in particular because they plastered all over there website how people had won big amounts playing these

I was playing one of my favourite online slots which had the William Hill bonus.

To get this bonus you would have to have to get BONUS spelt out across every reel.

So as each reel stops you would hope for a “B O N U S.”

One day I got the B then the O then N then U now I remember feeling by now was OMG I’m going to get this bonus.

Thinking this is going to answer all my prayers.

I’m going to win big enough to pay off my debt then me and gambling are done.

Bearing in mind the time between each reel stopping is 5 seconds tops!

In those short 5 seconds I felt this overwhelming excitement and had already started to plan my exit strategy from gambling in my mind.

You’re probably thinking I got onto the bonus, won big and then gambled it all away aren’t you?

Well I didn’t get the bonus.

The feelings then switched to the complete opposite.

The excitement disappeared and was quickly replaced by disappointment, anger, frustration and desperation.

I can still remember how that experience with gambling made me feel.

It’s scary to realise that I gave gambling this power but I know now for sure I don’t want to give gambling that power ever again.

Now for a time I can draw on positive feelings

I had come clean a couple of days before this to my parents and a week or so ago before that to my girlfriend.

They knew everything.

The debt, how I thought I got myself here and even what I was betting on and how much per hand or spin.

But I’d told them I was going to sort this mess out myself!

Anyway I got a call from PayPal.

PayPal called to tell me that there was no money in either of my accounts which PayPal could get this £1000 from.

Also my PayPal was tied to an email address which I wasn’t checking.

So it had quickly escalated to point where PayPal were demanding payment within 24 hours otherwise they would have to get bailiffs involved.

I didn’t have £1000 I’d been paid maybe 7 days before that which went straight into unplanned overdraft.

My only option was to ask my parents for help.

I felt panic liked I’ve never felt before and immediately ran through the worst case scenario in my head.

Picturing bailiffs taking my TV, my bike ,my laptop and whatever they thought would recover the debt.

And how embarrassed I would feel and even worse what if the neighbours were to see this happening.

It never came to that thankfully because of my parents paying PayPal on my behalf.

Within days of saying I would sort this mess out myself I’d gone back on my word and asked them for help.

I felt like my word wasn’t worth anything to my loved ones.

My complete gambling time was a huge lie. How could they trust what I would say?

I remember feeling hopeless and not having a clue how I could regain their trust.

I remember thinking, “are they going to question how I spend my money now that I owe them”. Little things like occasional meals out when I could be paying them back money.

Thankfully that was never the case and they were more concerned about my well being and even encouraged small treats like meals out and date nights.

They understood my situation and didn’t ask when I was going to pay it back.

Fast forward 6 months.

I had my car up for sale with a view to getting something cheaper and using the extra money to decorate the house, buy furniture and pay off a bit of debt.

My parents knew about my plan to sell my car but never did they mention about that 1k.

The car sold within 4 weeks.

I transferred the £1000 into my moms account the day I got the money from the sale of my car.

They didn’t ask for the money back nor were they expecting it back but I wanted to give it them back.

And I wanted them to know I meant what I said about sorting this mess out myself.

I know I had to ask them for help but I didn’t want anybody paying this debt down but me.

I was relieved and felt a great sense of achievement.

Now this is a memory I can recall clearly and a positive one.

These are feelings I want more of and I can’t get them gambling.

The moral of the story is use past feelings to help drive you to stay on or start your gamble free life.

Do you use past feelings to help drive you? Tell us your tips and story in the comments below!

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